Friday, April 27, 2012

HINDI NAHI MALOOM


It can all be traced back to 1965 - the year Hindi was chosen as our official language. Although the move was welcomed in most of the states, South India (esp. Tamil Nadu) was agitated and Hindi has never been a compulsory part of the state’s curriculum. Its serious repercussions include Kozhikode being perpetually pronounced erroneously as Kozy-kode by North Indians and not as Koli-kode; Chemicals & Fertilizers Union Minister's inability to attend parliament sessions; T. Rajendran’s missed opportunity in becoming a Bollywood superstar; talented L. Sivaramakrishnan’s ouster from Indian team; Houseful 2 not raking in some moolah down south(bright side this one) and unavailability of Vada Pav in Saravana Bhavan. 
Add to this list, the surprise waiting in store for those who move to North India (anything above Karnataka and A.P is North in the eyes of a Southerner! And no, all southpaws don’t qualify as South Indians. its just a term) for higher studies.
Just for the record, L. Sivaramarkrishnan’s career Test bowling average was 45 and Chem & Ferti Union Minister cannot understand English either :P

Let’s classify the Southerners who end up in North India as students (our subjects)
Type A: The Traitors
These are the fellow Southerners, who look, talk, walk, hate Pav Bhaji for breakfast – just like our subject in case. But, after the cursory introduction in their language on the first day, just when our subject feels good about the fact that there are many others like him, this Type A specimen proceeds to the other side and talks flawless Hindi!
Et tu, Brute?      Tu Ek Brute?
These traitors know Hindi by virtue of being either the sons of people who get transferred occasionally at work or being die-hard female fans of Bollywood since DDLJ and SRK happened. And these traitors are also the reason why our subject never seriously bothers learning Hindi as they more or less around always which reduces the necessity to learn the language immediately.

Type B: The Half baked
The group, which by virtue of having had a Northie as a roomie in UG/friend in the neighborhood or having learnt half-baked Hindi in their junior school, knows Hindi to an extent. They can barely manage to read/write and can understand minimally. For the purpose of proving their superiority to Type C and ability to Type A, this group tries real hard in being good at conversational Hindi. Words like ‘bakwaas’, ‘aaramsay’, ‘masti’ are used at every instance possible, excessively and fake smiles & laughs are their cup of tea. Frequent humming of the songs "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai" and "Koyi Kahe" are other symptoms.

Type C: Nanben da!
Just when our subject feels disappointed over the fortunes of Types A & B, he sees someone a few yards away, who gives a contrived laugh (like Rajnikanth in Padikaathavan’s “Yes Yes Thankyou” scene) a few seconds after the group around him erupts into laughter over a Hindi joke. With unparalleled joy, our subject runs to his side, grins and says “Nanbaen da!”


IN THE EYES OF AN AVERAGE SOUTHIE (CREDITS TO MY MS PAINT EXPERTISE)

Once our subjects decide to start learning Hindi, they try watching more of Bollywood and listening to Himesh’s nasal nuisance. “Hindi in 30 days” is also experimented with. In the initial phase, they start using words like the oft-used C***iya or B***n-c****h, which they  can’t really relate to and end up sounding like that wanna-be cool dude who tries to use the F-word but never effectively does so. But on the flipside, our subjects get to use a variety of expletives (in their native language) on whoever they want, whenever they feel like. They can shout across secrets in class with fellow Type C specimens and even plan to plant a bomb in the classroom as none of the Northies will ever comprehend what’s being talked about unless of course words like BOOM and BUSSSHHHH are used!

Meanwhile, they constantly get fooled and ridiculed by auto-walas and shop-keepers who can make out our subjects don’t know Hindi by the way they deploy ‘bhaiyya’ in every sentence. On top of all this, professors start making Hindi jokes which they can’t begin to understand and during parties, they have to shake a leg to a flurry of just Hindi songs barring  of course Ringa Ringa and Apdipodu.

By the time our subjects cautiously begin constructing sentences, they run into gender differentiating problems, which leads to “Kaise kar raha hai sexy?” (How you doin’?) while flirting with North Indian chicks. And that is why we don’t see or hear many love tales of our subjects and North Indian chicks. But someday, they will master Hindi and get even with Chetan Baghat’s act of stealing one of their own pretty South Indian girls (Remember Two States).

As the famous Renaissance Era poet Sheikh-Speare once tweeted about #raguthaatha,

Hope they learn Hindi soon & remove its ignorance gloom,
But until then, they’ll always have “Hindi Nahi Maloom”

Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Ad Hatter


For an Ad-making competition :)

Sunday, June 5, 2011

The New-age Se7en Deadly Sins

Groan, we did when Amitabh was reduced to a mere angry puppet in the Sholay remake. Sigh, we did when Rajni's yesteryear blockbuster Maapillai was remade and released to empty seats. Timeless classics have been put to shame by their new-age versions. But with utmost respect to David Fincher's serial killer-thriller Se7en, I present to you, my list of Se7en victims :D

7. GLUTTONY

Popeye, for all the spinach he gulped down in the name of winning over a lame languished skinny chick, Olive Oyl. In the 1930s, during the economic depression, the children of America looked up to Popeye as a hero and consumed a lot of spinach causing chocolate and ice cream vendors to look for alternative jobs. Maybe Al Capone was one of them! Ok Popeye can be pardoned on this account, as without Al Capone, we wouldn't have been fortunate to see Godfather and in turn a Nayagan. Ok, so what is it about Olive that Popeye was so smitten? Or was his one eyed vision leading to a 2-D view? We'll never know. But for misleading children towards skinny looks and spinach lust, Popeye will be punished.

Kareena would be shocked to know the origins of Size-Zero!

6. GREED

The DMK, for looting more than they could hide! Looting 400-500 crores for the sake of election bribery expenses is pardonable. But 176,000 crores :O What can the party possibly do with somuch money. Endhiran was a smart move, but it cost only 150 crores, which amounts to less than 0.1 % ! This target is tricky though. The party's leader, the mastermind of all the scandals in this part of the country is rumored to be dead :P . He shies away from almost all public gatherings n interviews. Maybe for political leverage, they are moving him around in a wheel chair even though he is dead !

While the party's leader is famous for Black-Money looting, a similar guy - Stephen Hawking - is popular for Black-Hole mooting.

5. SLOTH

Samaraweera, the much celebrated Srilankan middle-order batsman is my favorite bunny for insulting. With a healthy test average of 55 and a dozen centuries to his name, why him ? His batting average in Lankan, Bangladeshi and Pakistani roads (read pitch) stands at a towering 65, 90 and 55. Nothing wrong yet right ? In Indian, Australian, South African and English grounds, it is less than 25 each! This coupled with a strike rate just above 45. And the ICC executive committee is racking its brain wondering why Test cricket is not sought after much these days. Forget the Pink ball D/N Test cricket implementation. Just give Samaraweera the pink slip!

Thanks to Samaraweera, Golf seems interesting !

4. LUST

Charlie Sheen/ Charlie Harper, best known for Two and a Half Men and Wall Street. We've seen and heard of bad ass casanovas and philanderers on screen and in real life. But no one has ever ended up hospitalized after a night of debauchery with booze and two lassies ! To be a drunken womanizer is one thing. But getting hospitalized is like getting into a depression as a result of merry laughing! Phew. He defeats his contenders, hands down ( no pun intended! ) .

Well, some might argue that he should figure in the ENVIED list. Sigh. No, I mean, dammit. He deserves only this!

3. PRIDE

Mr. Arun Lal, the TV host / commentator who claims to have played for India centuries ago. His famous cricketing insights like "the key to win the match is to excel in 3 depts : bat, bowl n field" are popular among satirists. Unlike him, I hate to rave on incessantly to make an obvious point. In short, nobody likes him.

Mandira Bedi - Another TV host with the same cricketing acumen but
then, nobody complains :D

2. ENVY

The hapless villains of Indian Cinema will have to be punished for their excessive envy of the movie heroes. How many times have we watched a Villain scream and swear in fury (though he has the hero at gunpoint) and hence giving the hero enough time to wriggle out of the situation? How many times have we seen the villain gang members take on the besieged hero one by one and getting drop-kicked n punched though they could've taken him down together ? How many times have we seen the villain terrorists misfiring an entire round of bullets at the hero in close range but getting fatally head-shot by the hero's first attempt?

1. WRATH

The Roulette wheel at Anna University's paper correction center.


Thursday, June 2, 2011

CROLLYWOOD

Lalit Modi, the wedding priest : Do you, IPL, take H(B)ollywood, to be your lawfully wedded partner?
Yes. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for more PR, for more money, to love and to cherish 'till match-fixing do us part.

CRicket + hOLLYWOOD = CROLLYWOOD

DHARAMSALA, THE L.A of CROLLYWOOD


RCB’s PIRATE OF THE CARIBBEAN

Chris Gayle landed the lead role of this franchise, as the cool Captain Kingfisher who is an unrelenting scoundrel showing absolutely no mercy on enemies and also gulps down bottles of Whyte n Mackay's rum frequently. Deepika Padukone and Siddarth Mallya as Elizabeth and Will Turner keep making out for no reason after every victory over a pirate ship, which was achieved single-handedly by Captain Kingfisher. Despite faring well at the box-office, this movie lost out to 12 Hungry Men, starring Dhoni in the race for FairPLAY and the Best Picture Oscar. Ironically, the FairPLAY Oscar award was sponsored by Vijay Mallya which made the season's results a bitter pill to swallow :D

P.S : They also proved Ghilli’s Vijay right by losing in the semis and still making it to the finals :D

KTK’s PAC-Man

Despite being warned, KTK went ahead and shot the second most costly movie of the year, PAC-man. As most of the Comic Book superheros like Batman, Superman, Spider Man, X-Men etc. have been turned into billion dollar movie franchises, KTK had to choose a new popular hero. And they zeroed in on PAC-Man, without realizing what it actually was. The movie bombed at the box-office. Period.

AT LEAST THIS SUPERHERO HAS 3 LIVES !


DD’s American AUSTRALIAN BEAUTY

Despite having a lot of fair skinned second grade Australian actors, Sehwag was miffed about not getting the FAIRplay Oscar.


If there is ever a FAIRplay award, we know who deserves it best! Oh and ya, the gay award too.


RR's WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS… happens here too

The title says it all. Warne drinks, plays poker and argues bitterly with bouncer dude Dixit.

MI’s PSYCHO

In this thriller, the world’s favorite Sachin Tendulkar plays the protagonist who suffers from multiple personality disorder (MPD). After an excellent first half, where he essays his role to the T, he makes fatal mistakes when it comes to making decisions. This, later on, is revealed to be due to chronic MPD. Symonds, ageing and weak, plays the role of his mother. Suman and Satish are unnecessary characters absolutely irrelevant to the script. Pollard, who plays the detective in the movie, crazily sledges, sneers and gives threatening looks to guys who actually beat HIM up! Ask Watson. Due to this uncharacteristic behavior, Psycho came nowhere near to lifting the FairPLAY Oscar.

The locks, the age and the face shape - Andrew Symonds!

Photo Credits : Harbhajan :D


KXIP’s ROCKY

Part one, strictly.

KKR’s S(H)TUTTER ISLAND

The movie initially shows how KKR reaches the knockout stage of IPL. The rest of the movie is a figment of Gautam Di Captaino’s hallucination, where he imagines his team winning the IPL trophy thanks to a fiery match-winning last over by a yellow clad bowler Jabail. Gautam’s vision blurs while celebrating the victory and he collapses to the ground. Upon waking up, doctors reveal to him that his team has been knocked out of the tournament. He searches frantically for Jabail, his champion bowler. TO his shock, he realizes that Jabail is actually an anagram for Balaji and his team jersey’s color was blue and gold. Not yellow. He is then taken to a place for rehab, which explains his absence in the squad to the next tour to West Indies.

CSK’s 12 Angry Hungry Men

Having won the Best Picture Oscar last year, CSK Productions was written off by the critics as never once in history has the ‘same production house/same director/same hero’ combination won the Best Picture Oscar twice in a row. People’s poll agreed with the critics. Everything seemed to be against them, but for the jury consisting of 12** Hungry men; hungry for one more title and also the popular South Indian Saravana bhavan sambhar vada. When the 10 members of the cast were crestfallen at the seemingly right verdict of both critics n people, MS Dhoni ( Juror #8) makes the cast believe in themselves, brings the best out of even average actors like Jakati and finally turns the tide in favor of them. 12 Hungry Men astonishingly won both the Best Picture Award and the FairPLAY award J

**Juror #12 is N. Srinivasan. Why him ? His posts of responsibility says it all.

BCCI(owns IPL) secretary and CSK owner :D


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Fakebook

Tamil Nadu's ammas have traditionally relied heavily on a white lie : Poochandi to get their small kids to eat. Much like their American counterparts using Boogeyman; African counterparts using Adebayor; North Indian moms threatening to make their kids watch Akshay Kumar's movies all day. No matter how they look, most of these guys have never actually harmed kids in fact or fiction. But there's one guy, who even after mercilessly leading scores of children to oblivion remains a popular hero.




Well, I've created this fake wall using this link : myfakewall.