Fakebook

Tamil Nadu's ammas have traditionally relied heavily on a white lie : Poochandi to get their small kids to eat. Much like their American counterparts using Boogeyman; African counterparts using Adebayor; North Indian moms threatening to make their kids watch Akshay Kumar's movies all day. No matter how they look, most of these guys have never actually harmed kids in fact or fiction. But there's one guy, who even after mercilessly leading scores of children to oblivion remains a popular hero.

Well, I've created this fake wall using this link : myfakewall.

Craptoons

I still remember those art classes in junior school where we were instructed to draw the usual sun-mountain-sky-lake-crows picture. I've always sucked at drawing, even drawing stick figures is a complex task to me. The only sensation I ever created during those long afternoon drawing sessions was the day when we had to draw a theater or a park. I drew a theater neatly, wrote some Vijay movie's name on the building's facade and impishly drew a few crows circling the empty queue line. The guy near me, an ardent Vijay fan borrowed the idea for his theater's Ajith movie. This small joke snowballed into one heated argument, which progressed into a fist-fight and my art 'miss' had to intervene :D

Since then, I've grown taller, studied zoology (drawing frog's excretory system wasn't really exciting) and passed the engineering graphics subject. But still I can't draw a human who looks at least half-human.

I came across this cartoon making website website: Toondo . This is a collection of cartoons I created using the website.

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WHINE & DINE

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FREEK

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SLEEP WEEP

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OUTDOOR

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Save IPL, Mr. Obama!

To

Mr. Obama**,

White House, Amerikka.

I have drafted a proposition to the IPL Executive Committee. But most of them are either in exile or imprisoned. You see Mr. Obama, I am another one of those Indian middle class men having a nine-to-five job. (with traffic, seven-to-seven). After a hard day’s work, I return home expecting cricket or a sensational report about a scam. And for the last 3 years, Mr. Lalit Modi has provided more than just smatterings of both. But ever since he was ousted from the IPL proceedings, new innovations like advertising DLF 6s, Maxx mobile time outs & ads between deliveries have dried up. It has to be rejuvenated with radical changes. Henceforth, I’m writing this.

I hear you were nominated as the T.I.M.E person of the year, months before you were sworn in as the president. Hope is an over-rated word in USA (which explains Shawshank Redemption at the top of IMDB top 250 and your campaign success). Big appataker, I hear, you are. You were quite a sensation even in India during Presidential elections. Some among us even wanted to vote for you and staged a protest demanding the rights for the same. You seem to be coming often to India to dance in schools like this. After you are done with the dancing, put in a word through Dr. Manmohan Singh or directly:P to Sonia Gandhi to consider this letter and make the changes.

1. With the average match total gradually decreasing over the years, 6s & 4s are also suffering the same decline. And the cheerleaders get to rest their muscles for most part of the game. Mallya hates to see young talent going to waste. So, the cheerleaders will dance for every single taken and every dot ball. Boundaries and 6s will anyway be cheered by the crowd and DLF advertisers(read commentators).

2. The ‘kicha’ option can be availed if a star batsman gets out early. Who would not love to see Sachin being handed a second life(that too with Pakistanis not around!) at the expense of Satish?

3. The first ball of the match can be recklessly belted to any part of the ground, treating it as a free hit. If the batsman is dismissed, he can call it ‘trials’ with a grin. (Sehwag will like this license)

4. Sharad Pawar, Srinivasan, Chiefministers, Srikkanth, again Sharad Pawar, Chirayu, Sunil Shetty, previously Modi, that Sachin fan with a sangu.. All these guys are shown several times over the course of the game, which in the interest of the general public, should be stopped. Mallya is an exception, as Deepika/Katrina are in the same frame as him :D . The cameramen should be instructed to instead hunt down hot females in the stadium.

5. Players with a poor history and reputation of sitting sixes and trying to bat out the entire the innings without risks will have to face a harsh rule : one pitch catch! Direct catches are ruled out for them. For the other big hitters, the rules are the same. Kallis, ipo enna pannuva :P ?

6. If Deccan Chargers are playing at home (win% zero!), then the winner will automatically be the team whose captain wins the toss. Come on DC, 50-50 is better than 0-100!

7. If a player hits a DLF (previously called a SIX) , then it will be treated like a modified home run. The batsmen can keep running between the wickets until a spectator throws the ball back into the field. Home advantage it is, with the crowd actually being the 12th member of the team. Unless the visiting team occupies the midwicket part of the stadium, Dhoni will be running a fragmented marathon at leisure :D

8. L. Sivaramakrishnan and Arun Lal will be officially ousted from everything concerning cricket: Commentary box, Field, Extraaa Innings, Newspapers, Advertisements & Radios. We don’t want “Sehwag scores his first boundary and interestingly it is the first boundary for the Indians!” or “To win this match, Indians need to do well in just three departments : batting, bowling and fielding”.

9. Duckworth-Lewis method will be dropped. Instead, baseball like super over will be played under rain. Seriously, a better choice than the one those two English gentlemen came up with. You don’t trust me? Ask Southafrica.

10. Preity Zinta and Shilpa Shetty will not be interviewed at any cost. We don't want a "Lalit Modi is the brainchild of IPL" from Shilpa or the puzzled look on Preity Zinta's face when a batsman gives a catch to a fielder during a free hit and doesn't walk to the pavilion.

11. Reservation policy is not being followed in the IPL. All IIMs and IITs are wise enough to let in people from various societal strata and compromise on quality. Why can’t IPL follow suit? Equality is more important than quality. Bring in SC, ST, MBC, BC, AD etc. To add to the chaos, bring in women reservation bill and let everyone have a ball, literally.

Yours sincerely,

Johnakiraman Doerasamy

** - why hasn’t Amerikka given you an honorary Dr. title yet? Come to India, we’ll give you 2 :)

Indian Superhero, where art thou?

When Dhoni hit an off-side six in the WC final, we were reassured of a seamless (note the wordplay:D) Indian victory. Mitchell, Malinga, Anderson and Steyn are all terrific bowlers in every other part of the cricketing world. But not the sub-continent. The fiery pace, frightening run-up, magical swing and breakneck bounce are reduced to ordinary predictable deliveries. The fearsome bowlers just can't adapt to the conditions in India.

Another group, far distanced from cricket, which suffers the same fate as the fast bowlers is the Superheroes regiment. No matter how many lives they save comfortably in the US, the idea of superheroes in India is just not feasible and cool ( no, zoo zoos don't count:) ).. Here's why :)

Invisibility is an interesting prospect with many perverted advantages, but since we Indians crave for attention and popularity, our superhero cannot strike an invisible pose to all the shutterbugs (after all, we live in a country where Sreeshanth posed with the Worldcup trophy)! Neither will the people be interested in a newspaper article reading Invisible Man Saves our Town, with a blank space where the superhero's grinning face should’ve been. Imagine Chennai Times’ plight without pictures!

Any ordinary guy needs to be extremely careful and agile while crossing the roads as drivers in our country are rash and selectively blind to signals. To add to the misery, invisibility! One wrong step and our hero would be 'pulp' fiction.

Super strength… With a pumped up body of steel, handling delicate stuff might get difficult. True that super power attracts women but with such bestial powers, holding hands with any girl will only make her writhe in pain and a tight hug is enough to squash her from an amorous to an amorphous state!

Time Travel… Who will not love to go back in time and kill Raja Ram Mohan Roy, not for eradicating child marriage, but for illegalizing polygamy. Anyone who has read his 10th grade history book right will know about his social reforms. But digging deep, what the history books fail to tell us is the fact that Mr. Raja Ram Mohan Roy, “the greatest Indian social reformer” who abolished polygamy and child marriage, had three wives. It is like Sreeshanth asking Zaheer not to bowl loose deliveries! But with the increasing male to female ratio, he cannot be deemed as pure evil.

Mind Reading… For all the eavesdropping Toms, mind reading ability might be irresistible. For the cops, to understand the evil schemes of suspects and to understand the thought process of terrorists while interrogating. But imagine walking into T.Nagar with mind reading capability. Within seconds, our superhero's mind will be flooded with all the crabbing, complaining and cursing gibberish- from the out of bounds super hot next door woman to the hike in gasoline price!

Spidey! Jumping buildings with web slinging & sticky fingers and fighting the thugs in sewers is what this super power is all about. With open man-holes and littered roads/pavements to be taken care of, the Corporation won't like the idea of a supposed superhero leaving behind sticky spider webs all over the city. After clobbering the villain's henchmen and Arjun-movie's-terrorists, he can have trysts with his ladylove in dark alleys or in roads (street lights don't work anyway) but will the stench of the sewer and sweat that he is likely to carry not turn her off?

Outfit... Wearing figure-hugging outfits in the tropical region during summer is not a great idea unless soaking in sweat can be handled. And flashy costumes like what Superman or Flash wear will be sneered at in this country, no matter who you are. Remember, the curious case of a certain Mr.Ramarajan ? (who, I hear, has the superpower of humming 'Shenbagame' to obtain dairy products)

Also, the gadgets that superheroes possess require materials of the highest quality. To maintain their secret identities, those can be bought only at black markets like Burma Bazaar. And we all know how China products work :D

Here's a snapshot of how the Indian superhero will look like, adapted to the Indian conditions. Credits to MS Paint

The Al Gore Theory of Madurai

With a sudden spate of rustic gory movies based on characters & incidents in Madurai hitting the screens more often than the American Pie series, there are a few misconceptions about Madurai that have to be refuted.

Though kollywood tinsel town may portray us as wearing gross dubai-la-poda-vendiyatha-inga-yen-podra clothes, we were pioneers in fashion. In fact, we introduced pattapattis which were later remodeled and circulated as boxers all over the world !

Motorcades of Tata Sumos, with ruffians brandishing their aruvaals and clinging on to the vehicles, is a myth. We have progressed to snipers for avoiding a need to travel a long distance in cars for slaying people. Hence, reducing fuel consumption and global warming. We've interpreted 'All Gore' from an entirely different perspective :D

We may lack a KFC eatery, but an average person laps up more chicken than Col. Sanders himself. And I personally know a guy responsible for the unusually high consumption rate.

Contrary to what the world will love to believe in, we don't carry aruvaals on us all the time. And media reports that we use aruvaals even for sharpening pencils. That is a ridiculous allegation. Beheading people, amputating limbs, sacrificing lambs - these are the holy motives behind our aruvaal usage. Not trivial matters like pencils and coconuts. Sheesh.

The societal set up in Madurai allows its people to develop and prosper in their respective fields. Bank clerks go on to become managers. Yettaiyas (constables) go on to become inspectors. Kabbadi players go on to win the tournament despite losing the semifinal. And goondahs rightfully go on to become Lok Sabha MPs :P

No, Vijay is not from Madurai. He might be associated with Madurai in Ghilli, Sivakasi and Madurai, but the truth : he is from Coimbatore. You dare not continue suggesting he is from Madurai.

Sadly though, Captain Vijaykanth is from Madurai :( but then, he was treated appropriately like shit here before he left to Chennai and made it big :P

We have a lot of youngistans amongst us. These hippies are called minors. They don't drink from pepsi mycans which are absurdly priced and awkwardly held; they don't need the axe effect to woo girls; they are not accustomed to the tiring process of dating. Instead, they tipple kalla liquor and with malliga poo wound around their wrists for deodorization, they are almost always on a promiscuous raping spree.

Who am I kidding! Unlike a big city, all friends are just 15 mins away. With temples, rivers, theme parks, go-karting, parotta eateries and multiplexes, it is easily the most peaceful city with negligible pollution and moving traffic. Which is why, taking cue from Kollywood, I proudly announce

" Naanum Madurakaaran da" :D