HINDI NAHI MALOOM

It can all be traced back to 1965 - the year Hindi was chosen as our official language. Although the move was welcomed in most of the states, South India (esp. Tamil Nadu) was agitated and Hindi has never been a compulsory part of the state’s curriculum. Its serious repercussions include Kozhikode being perpetually pronounced erroneously as Kozy-kode by North Indians and not as Koli-kode; Chemicals & Fertilizers Union Minister's inability to attend parliament sessions; T. Rajendran’s missed opportunity in becoming a Bollywood superstar; talented L. Sivaramakrishnan’s ouster from Indian team; Houseful 2 not raking in some moolah down south(bright side this one) and unavailability of Vada Pav in Saravana Bhavan. 
Add to this list, the surprise waiting in store for those who move to North India (anything above Karnataka and A.P is North in the eyes of a Southerner! And no, all southpaws don’t qualify as South Indians. its just a term) for higher studies.

Just for the record, L. Sivaramarkrishnan’s career Test bowling average was 45 and Chem & Ferti Union Minister cannot understand English either :P

Let’s classify the Southerners who end up in North India as students (our subjects)

Type A: The Traitors

These are the fellow Southerners, who look, talk, walk, hate Pav Bhaji for breakfast – just like our subject in case. But, after the cursory introduction in their language on the first day, just when our subject feels good about the fact that there are many others like him, this Type A specimen proceeds to the other side and talks flawless Hindi!
Et tu, Brute?      Tu Ek Brute?

These traitors know Hindi by virtue of being either the sons of people who get transferred occasionally at work or being die-hard female fans of Bollywood since DDLJ and SRK happened. And these traitors are also the reason why our subject never seriously bothers learning Hindi as they more or less around always which reduces the necessity to learn the language immediately.

Type B: The Half baked

The group, which by virtue of having had a Northie as a roomie in UG/friend in the neighborhood or having learnt half-baked Hindi in their junior school, knows Hindi to an extent. They can barely manage to read/write and can understand minimally. For the purpose of proving their superiority to Type C and ability to Type A, this group tries real hard in being good at conversational Hindi. Words like ‘bakwaas’, ‘aaramsay’, ‘masti’ are used at every instance possible, excessively and fake smiles & laughs are their cup of tea. Frequent humming of the songs "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai" and "Koyi Kahe" are other symptoms.

Type C: Nanben da!

Just when our subject feels disappointed over the fortunes of Types A & B, he sees someone a few yards away, who gives a contrived laugh (like Rajnikanth in Padikaathavan’s “Yes Yes Thankyou” scene) a few seconds after the group around him erupts into laughter over a Hindi joke. With unparalleled joy, our subject runs to his side, grins and says “Nanbaen da!”

IN THE EYES OF AN AVERAGE SOUTHIE (CREDITS TO MY MS PAINT EXPERTISE)

Once our subjects decide to start learning Hindi, they try watching more of Bollywood and listening to Himesh’s nasal nuisance. “Hindi in 30 days” is also experimented with. In the initial phase, they start using words like the oft-used C***iya or B***n-c****h, which they  can’t really relate to and end up sounding like that wanna-be cool dude who tries to use the F-word but never effectively does so. But on the flipside, our subjects get to use a variety of expletives (in their native language) on whoever they want, whenever they feel like. They can shout across secrets in class with fellow Type C specimens and even plan to plant a bomb in the classroom as none of the Northies will ever comprehend what’s being talked about unless of course words like BOOM and BUSSSHHHH are used!

Meanwhile, they constantly get fooled and ridiculed by auto-walas and shop-keepers who can make out our subjects don’t know Hindi by the way they deploy ‘bhaiyya’ in every sentence. On top of all this, professors start making Hindi jokes which they can’t begin to understand and during parties, they have to shake a leg to a flurry of just Hindi songs barring  of course Ringa Ringa and Apdipodu.

By the time our subjects cautiously begin constructing sentences, they run into gender differentiating problems, which leads to “Kaise kar raha hai sexy?” (How you doin’?) while flirting with North Indian chicks. And that is why we don’t see or hear many love tales of our subjects and North Indian chicks. But someday, they will master Hindi and get even with Chetan Baghat’s act of stealing one of their own pretty South Indian girls (Remember Two States).

As the famous Renaissance Era poet Sheikh-Speare once tweeted about #raguthaatha,

Hope they learn Hindi soon & remove its ignorance gloom,

But until then, they’ll always have “Hindi Nahi Maloom”