The New-age Se7en Deadly Sins

Groan, we did when Amitabh was reduced to a mere angry puppet in the Sholay remake. Sigh, we did when Rajni's yesteryear blockbuster Maapillai was remade and released to empty seats. Timeless classics have been put to shame by their new-age versions. But with utmost respect to David Fincher's serial killer-thriller Se7en, I present to you, my list of Se7en victims :D

7. GLUTTONY

Popeye, for all the spinach he gulped down in the name of winning over a lame languished skinny chick, Olive Oyl. In the 1930s, during the economic depression, the children of America looked up to Popeye as a hero and consumed a lot of spinach causing chocolate and ice cream vendors to look for alternative jobs. Maybe Al Capone was one of them! Ok Popeye can be pardoned on this account, as without Al Capone, we wouldn't have been fortunate to see Godfather and in turn a Nayagan. Ok, so what is it about Olive that Popeye was so smitten? Or was his one eyed vision leading to a 2-D view? We'll never know. But for misleading children towards skinny looks and spinach lust, Popeye will be punished.

Kareena would be shocked to know the origins of Size-Zero!

6. GREED

The DMK, for looting more than they could hide! Looting 400-500 crores for the sake of election bribery expenses is pardonable. But 176,000 crores :O What can the party possibly do with somuch money. Endhiran was a smart move, but it cost only 150 crores, which amounts to less than 0.1 % ! This target is tricky though. The party's leader, the mastermind of all the scandals in this part of the country is rumored to be dead :P . He shies away from almost all public gatherings n interviews. Maybe for political leverage, they are moving him around in a wheel chair even though he is dead !

While the party's leader is famous for Black-Money looting, a similar guy - Stephen Hawking - is popular for Black-Hole mooting.

5. SLOTH

Samaraweera, the much celebrated Srilankan middle-order batsman is my favorite bunny for insulting. With a healthy test average of 55 and a dozen centuries to his name, why him ? His batting average in Lankan, Bangladeshi and Pakistani roads (read pitch) stands at a towering 65, 90 and 55. Nothing wrong yet right ? In Indian, Australian, South African and English grounds, it is less than 25 each! This coupled with a strike rate just above 45. And the ICC executive committee is racking its brain wondering why Test cricket is not sought after much these days. Forget the Pink ball D/N Test cricket implementation. Just give Samaraweera the pink slip!

Thanks to Samaraweera, Golf seems interesting !

4. LUST

Charlie Sheen/ Charlie Harper, best known for Two and a Half Men and Wall Street. We've seen and heard of bad ass casanovas and philanderers on screen and in real life. But no one has ever ended up hospitalized after a night of debauchery with booze and two lassies ! To be a drunken womanizer is one thing. But getting hospitalized is like getting into a depression as a result of merry laughing! Phew. He defeats his contenders, hands down ( no pun intended! ) .

Well, some might argue that he should figure in the ENVIED list. Sigh. No, I mean, dammit. He deserves only this!

3. PRIDE

Mr. Arun Lal, the TV host / commentator who claims to have played for India centuries ago. His famous cricketing insights like "the key to win the match is to excel in 3 depts : bat, bowl n field" are popular among satirists. Unlike him, I hate to rave on incessantly to make an obvious point. In short, nobody likes him.

Mandira Bedi - Another TV host with the same cricketing acumen but

then, nobody complains :D

2. ENVY

The hapless villains of Indian Cinema will have to be punished for their excessive envy of the movie heroes. How many times have we watched a Villain scream and swear in fury (though he has the hero at gunpoint) and hence giving the hero enough time to wriggle out of the situation? How many times have we seen the villain gang members take on the besieged hero one by one and getting drop-kicked n punched though they could've taken him down together ? How many times have we seen the villain terrorists misfiring an entire round of bullets at the hero in close range but getting fatally head-shot by the hero's first attempt?

1. WRATH

The Roulette wheel at Anna University's paper correction center.

CROLLYWOOD

Lalit Modi, the wedding priest : Do you, IPL, take H(B)ollywood, to be your lawfully wedded partner?

Yes. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for more PR, for more money, to love and to cherish 'till match-fixing do us part.

CRicket + hOLLYWOOD = CROLLYWOOD

DHARAMSALA, THE L.A of CROLLYWOOD

RCB’s PIRATE OF THE CARIBBEAN

Chris Gayle landed the lead role of this franchise, as the cool Captain Kingfisher who is an unrelenting scoundrel showing absolutely no mercy on enemies and also gulps down bottles of Whyte n Mackay's rum frequently. Deepika Padukone and Siddarth Mallya as Elizabeth and Will Turner keep making out for no reason after every victory over a pirate ship, which was achieved single-handedly by Captain Kingfisher. Despite faring well at the box-office, this movie lost out to 12 Hungry Men, starring Dhoni in the race for FairPLAY and the Best Picture Oscar. Ironically, the FairPLAY Oscar award was sponsored by Vijay Mallya which made the season's results a bitter pill to swallow :D

P.S : They also proved Ghilli’s Vijay right by losing in the semis and still making it to the finals :D

KTK’s PAC-Man

Despite being warned, KTK went ahead and shot the second most costly movie of the year, PAC-man. As most of the Comic Book superheros like Batman, Superman, Spider Man, X-Men etc. have been turned into billion dollar movie franchises, KTK had to choose a new popular hero. And they zeroed in on PAC-Man, without realizing what it actually was. The movie bombed at the box-office. Period.

AT LEAST THIS SUPERHERO HAS 3 LIVES !

DD’s American AUSTRALIAN BEAUTY

Despite having a lot of fair skinned second grade Australian actors, Sehwag was miffed about not getting the FAIRplay Oscar.

If there is ever a FAIRplay award, we know who deserves it best! Oh and ya, the gay award too.

RR's WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS… happens here too

The title says it all. Warne drinks, plays poker and argues bitterly with bouncer dude Dixit.

MI’s PSYCHO

In this thriller, the world’s favorite Sachin Tendulkar plays the protagonist who suffers from multiple personality disorder (MPD). After an excellent first half, where he essays his role to the T, he makes fatal mistakes when it comes to making decisions. This, later on, is revealed to be due to chronic MPD. Symonds, ageing and weak, plays the role of his mother. Suman and Satish are unnecessary characters absolutely irrelevant to the script. Pollard, who plays the detective in the movie, crazily sledges, sneers and gives threatening looks to guys who actually beat HIM up! Ask Watson. Due to this uncharacteristic behavior, Psycho came nowhere near to lifting the FairPLAY Oscar.

The locks, the age and the face shape - Andrew Symonds!

Photo Credits : Harbhajan :D

KXIP’s ROCKY

Part one, strictly.

KKR’s S(H)TUTTER ISLAND

The movie initially shows how KKR reaches the knockout stage of IPL. The rest of the movie is a figment of Gautam Di Captaino’s hallucination, where he imagines his team winning the IPL trophy thanks to a fiery match-winning last over by a yellow clad bowler Jabail. Gautam’s vision blurs while celebrating the victory and he collapses to the ground. Upon waking up, doctors reveal to him that his team has been knocked out of the tournament. He searches frantically for Jabail, his champion bowler. TO his shock, he realizes that Jabail is actually an anagram for Balaji and his team jersey’s color was blue and gold. Not yellow. He is then taken to a place for rehab, which explains his absence in the squad to the next tour to West Indies.

CSK’s 12 Angry Hungry Men

Having won the Best Picture Oscar last year, CSK Productions was written off by the critics as never once in history has the ‘same production house/same director/same hero’ combination won the Best Picture Oscar twice in a row. People’s poll agreed with the critics. Everything seemed to be against them, but for the jury consisting of 12** Hungry men; hungry for one more title and also the popular South Indian Saravana bhavan sambhar vada. When the 10 members of the cast were crestfallen at the seemingly right verdict of both critics n people, MS Dhoni ( Juror #8) makes the cast believe in themselves, brings the best out of even average actors like Jakati and finally turns the tide in favor of them. 12 Hungry Men astonishingly won both the Best Picture Award and the FairPLAY award J

**Juror #12 is N. Srinivasan. Why him ? His posts of responsibility says it all.

BCCI(owns IPL) secretary and CSK owner :D