The Dumb Desi Democrat!

My eyes widened as I stumbled across a very interesting ridicule-inviting article in TOI. Like Obelix pouncing on a wild boar, the parodist in me is all set to pounce on the person (who btw looks like a distant cousin of the wild boar!) highlighted in the article…

Rahul Gandhi, in his quest to strengthen the Congress at its grass root level, met a top actor in Tamil Nadu in a secret fashion. Secret enough that even 19 year olds who can’t expand UPA (United Party hmmm errr hmmm?) are taking blind potshots at the cloak and dagger meeting… Here goes another!

Though this was initially modeled on a common Sardarji, the goat of all national jokes, I felt I should move with the changing times and hence, the nxg laughing stock - the Indian Politician - Suresh Kammanaati, who is an opposition party member, and is trying to score as much brownie points as he can through this interview as the elections are around the corner…

Reporter– Sir, the Commonwealth games to be held in New Delhi is just a year away. And the very sluggish construction has resulted in the stadiums being only 25% constructed. Shouldn’t we have the stadiums ready by now?

SK - Immediately on seeing the schedule, I knew we would be in deep waters later on. I even
requested the Sports ministry to instead conduct games like chess, carom, pallanguli, Ko-ko, Mangaatha and kabbadi, which won’t require new stadiums! But the ruling party protested saying the athletes from other countries are not accustomed to such games. Whose side is the ruling party on? They care more about the foreign players who will be competing against our own countrymen! I sense a treachery here!

Reporter - Sir, the proposed Games Village is rumored to have inadequate restroom facilities, due to budget deficit. Is it true?

SK - Yes, it is true. Why do we think we named it as Games 'Village' ? Just like the old villages of the early 20th century, the athletes should attend to their nature's call out in the open only.

Reporter– Ugh! Whatever. Moving on. Despite having a population of over a billion, we are unable to produce world class athletes. What is your take on that?

SK – Do not blame my countrymen. They have been trained with games such as ko-ko, gilli danda, jallikattu and Kabbadi right from their child hood.

Reporter – (Interrupts by clearing his throat) – But sir, we should…

SK (Ignoring the reporter) - But the world, unnerved by our supremacy in these games, doesn’t include them in Olympics and other world championships. So, if the people of this state vote for my party and lead us to victory in the upcoming elections, I PROMISE I would take these desi games to the Olympics and make sure our participants return with not just their reimbursement bills but with a few medals!

Reporter- (Muttering swear words under his breath and masking it with a smile) – What does it take for India to win next year’s Commonwealth Championship?

SK – India shouldn’t invite Australia and England to next year’s championship. Possibly scare them off with swine flu threat or special screening of blue (even movie reviews were incomplete as movie reviewers left on their flight to India or we’ll bring ‘non-Whites’ movement back into the fore !

Reporter – Thank you for spending time with us. (Relieved, gets up and is about to leave).

SK – Hey wait, I need a few publicity stills, take a picture!

Reporter- Of course, how would I forget that? (Takes out his cam as Kammanaati strikes a pose)

SK – Wait. Does my blue shirt go well with the red tie?

Reporter – Doesn’t matter, sir. We will be publishing only a black and white picture 

SK – So?

The Butterfly Effect

Have you ever wondered about the fact that one small change in your life can alter forever your life and the way you see things? If one small factor changes in life, you might be missing out on something special... Now, let me illustrate the theory with an example taken out of my life.

On a fine Saturday evening…

Now, wait. THis story needs a preface!

Recounting sweet old memories is always a pleasant and gratifying thing to do. And when an unwritten story is told and told, retold and retold, over and over again, changes tend to creep into the tale which hyper emblazons the content but still serves justice to the original!

Back to the story...

I could’ve given my scholarship treat (afn lunch after which I went to my friends place) any other day; I could’ve left my friend’s place a few minutes earlier; I could’ve boarded the direct bus to my uncle’s place; the bus(the one which I eventually boarded) driver could’ve avoided overhauling at least one vehicle; the traffic signal digital clock could’ve been started a few seconds earlier; some random laggard in a scooter could’ve come in the way to interrupt the journey; the lackadaisical ticket-checkers could’ve picked my bus and delayed the proceedings; I could’ve travelled by an auto to my uncle’s place as I had always done; I could’ve stopped somewhere to grab a snack; I could've taken any of the myriad roads and bylanes as I was totally lost and proceeding intuitively…

But destiny had other plans as it made me take the road that was meant for me. In the lucent twilight, as my heart skipped a beat, as a cool breeze killed the heat, I was swept off my feet, on seeing the most amazing jaw dropping sight (I’ve got my first poem inadvertently!)…

A cat kissing a dog!

Other factors that almost made it to my list of “Could’ves”

A dog could’ve chased me down the street of my friends place as I exited his apartment; I could’ve got off at the wrong stop; CM’s motorcade could’ve halted things for a while; In support of El Ti Ti E, some power hungry politician could’ve declared it as a holiday with buses safely parked in depots; I could’ve got off at the wrong stop; I could’ve dozed off after a tiring day and journeyed on till the final terminus; I could’ve made a huge mistake in my 12^th math board exam and chosen any of the other 229 colleges!

P.S - Google up the word butterfly effect to know its significance. And theres a wordplay on the title, for the discerning mind :D

T20 - Jedis and Wizards in Middle Earth... Part II

The HP team supporters cast Lumos spell on all the lights and the stadium comes alive, presenting a brilliant spectacle. The Star wars team, led by Yoda fly slowly to the pitch in their pods. They huddle together to discuss about their strategy, that was worked out by Yoda and R2D2 with C3PO as an interpreter. Finally, they disperse to their assigned positions wishing each other with the words, “Let the Force be with you”. The Harry Potter team’s opening batsmen, Ron (with a wand) and Hagrid (with a club) walk to the pitch to the thunderous ovation that came from their supporters awaiting the start of the battle.

Ron, at the strikers end, waits patiently for the first delivery. The whole stadium erupts as Gandalf signals the start of the match and Obi Wan Kenobi is raring to bowl the first delivery. Ron, with his wand raised concentrates hard on Obi Wan’s run-up. As the ball( a lightsaber-proof one) comes at a blinding speed to the stumps, Ron tries to cast a flipendo spell on the ball to just defend but without Hermiones assistance ,forgets the way it has to be pronounced and ends up saying Flopendoooo. The ball skids on and rattles the middle stump. Star Wars team draw first blood.

Hermione takes guard at the strikers end and Obi Wan gears up for the next delivery. Hermione drives one straight down the ground with a powerful Flipendo spell. Boundary as there is no long on or long off and the Veela girls start dancing by a Tarantallegra.The next delivery – Hermione,uses the Impedimenta spell to slow down the ball and when it has almost stopped, uses Wingardium Leviosa to hoist the ball and make it land in the stands. The ball drifts toward the fineleg boundary and Haan in his Pod keeps ogling at the Veela girls and completely ignores the ball. Six! The next three deliveries turn out to be well disguised short balls which Hermione just defends. The score- 10/1 in 1 over.

Ad - Fred and George Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes shop.

Luke Skywalker is all set to bowl the second over. Hagrid keeps his club raised, ready to strike and grins at Madame Maxime in the crowd. Luke bowls a fast delivery and before Hagrid could strike, it races to the keeper Leia. Hagrid misses 3 more deliveries and the HP section of the crowd is silenced. Hagrid smiles at Maxime before the fourth ball, but she turns away in disappointment. Hagrid, in a web of fury, slaps the ball hard into the stands, not giving the fielders any chance. The last delivery turns out to be an excellent bouncer which hits Hagrid hard in the chin and suddenly the ball just vanishes. Manjo, standing in the slips, walks to the batsman to search for the ball, and it suddenly drops from Hagrid’s might beard. Manjo dives to his right and secures a catch. Two down for HP team. The Star Wars section hoot loudly as the giant takes a long walk back to the pavilion, crestfallen. The score- 16/1 in 2 overs. Hermione and the new batsman, Dumbledore play some intelligent cricket and take the score to 69 at the end of 8 overs.

Drinks break. Draco Malfoy, the 12th man is made to bring in refreshments for his team. Furious over not being selected in the main 11, Draco takes a minute off to tell Darth Vader he’ll do anything to bring down his team. And finally, Draco casts the Confund\us charm on Dumbledore just before the end of the break. Dumbledore is bowled out the very next ball from Haan. Dumbledore, confused over the path to the pavilion, bumps into Haan and Rita Skeeter in the audience takes a picture of the bumping act. Voldemort, the next man in, defends the first two deliveries. The next delivery, he casts the Avifors spell on the ball. The ball changes into a bird and flies towards the boundary. The next two deliveries meet with the same fate. The score- 87/3 in 9 overs. The following three overs were of mixed fortunes for HP team. Darth Vader, a spinner, before bowling the 13th over, gets his robotic arm programmed by R2D2 so that he can add leg spin and off spin to the same delivery. Hermione, caught unawares by the delivery, gets out. Snape,Fred and George Weasley follow suit in the same over as Darth Vader notches up a hat-trick. 110/7 in 13 overs

Meanwhile, a section of the Star Wars crowd make some racist remarks at Manjo, the only brown player of the match.
Harry Potter, the next man in, walks to the strikers end as the crowd chants his name. Harry casts a Conjunctivitis spell to damage the bowlers eyesight. With a straying line and a disorderly length, Harry takes up most of the strike(enna than irunthaalum hero aache) devours a run feast , builds a 50 run partnership in 5 overs with Voldemort, who contributes only 11 runs.

19th over. Palpatine, the Sith Lord bowls a quick out swinger which hits Voldemort in the legs. As the whole Star Wars team claims a leg before decision, Gandalf nods his head slowly and the HP team lose their 8th wicket. Krum plays out the the next 2 deliveries and then hits 2 consecutive fours. He finally gets out in the last deliver. Darth Vader, looking for a 5 wkt haul and Harry(on 39) craving for a 50. The first two balls fetch 10 runs for Harry,who moves onto 49. Darth Vader bowls three beauties which leaves harry completely flummoxed. The score-178/9.

The last ball of the match – everyone on their feet, ready to witness a fantastic last ball duel between Harry and Darth Vader. Rita holds her camera tight focusing on Harry. Darth before the run-up, threatens Dudley that he will let out a snake near him if he runs during the final delivery. Darth bowls a off-leg-off break and Harry with mighty concentration just pushes the ball into the gaps with a spell, runs to the other end and raises his wand in joy of reaching a half century. The crowd, in contrast to what he expected was hushed in absolute silence. Wondering what had went wrong, Harry turns slowly to his right to find Dudley, shuddering and rooted to the crease…

T20 - Jedis and Wizards in Middle Earth... Part I

T20 Match

Star Wars team vs Harry Potter world

The captains, Yoda and Dumbledore walk out to the center of the pitch for the toss, amidst a deafening noise from the stands. The dementors, students of Hogwarts, clones and a few people from different planets of the Galaxy occupied the side stands, while the Ministers of Magic, Death Eaters, Hogwarts staff, the Jedi council and the rulers of all the planets in the galaxy are seated in the pavilion block.

Cheerleaders for the HP team - Veela girls from Beauxbatons Academy.

As agreed by the two teams, the match is conducted in a cricket stadium called Middle Earth in a neutral venue. As per the cricketing regulations, umpire and the referee shouldn’t be of the same clan as of the opposing teams. Hence, Gandalf the gray is the umpire and Sauron is the match referee.Your commentators – Jar Jar Binks and Neville Longbottom.

The match referee Sauron tosses the Ring in the air, after announcing that Yoda wins if the side having the inscribed words faces him. Yoda eventually wins the toss and says in his trademark way, “Bowl first, we will”.

The line up...
HP team
Dumbledore(captain),Harry,Hermione,Ron,Voldemort,Snape,Draco,Krum,Dudley,Fred,George.
Star Wars team
Yoda(captain),Luke,Leia,Hann,Obi-Wan,Qui-Gon,DarthVader,Palpatine,Manjo,R2D2,

Pre match presentation - SportsCenter, LIVE on ESPN!
(OKay, I do know that SPorts Center is not a prematch pres show but I couldn't find a better picture!!)

Hosted by Jar Jar Binks and Neville Longbottom!

An hour before the show starts and 10 minutes before the cameramen and crew arrived…
Neville and Jar Jar are shuffling their papers and rehearsing their lines. Neville takes his remembrall outside and notices that it has turned red. He checks to make sure that all the papers are in the right order. After mulling over what he has forgotten to bring to the studio, he decides that his remembrall is malfunctioning. An hour passes by and the show goes on well, with Neville not forgetting a single line.
The final lines…

JJB – A great game on the cards. Mesa support Star Wars. Mesa looking forward to the match like yousa. Thankyousa.
Neville – For all the galaxy wide viewers, you can catch live action of the match in a few moments. And I hope the Harry Potter team beats the pants off the Starwars team. Its Neville and JarJarBinks signing off, without anymore fancy pants talk.

JJB and Neville stand up to shake hands as Sports Center’s end-of-the-show music is being played. And Neville realizes why his remembrall is glowing blood red.

Neville wasn't wearing his pants!



Jar Jar Binks (left) and Neville Longbottom

Random Reviews

The label Review has always been behind in posts count, not because I am short of topics to review but because I’ve watched too much movies and read too many books lately to write a review for each. A quick review on everything that has kept me occupied this week apart from watching the entire Star Wars series and a season of FRIENDS…

Transporters3
Amazingly dullish. Not the king of box office, but boredom. The heroine has a poke marked unattractive face. So, waiting for the odd you-know-what scene is worthless. Save 2 hours.

Varanam Aayiram

You’ll love the movie
IF you think a student with two arrears can easily start a company and become rich in a few years.
IF you think a normal person can save a child kidnapped by Delhis most feared don.
IF you think a normal parent will send his son to USA just to usharpannify a girl.
IF you think a normal person can rise upto the rank of a major in the army by a two minute music segment. ( I pardon Surya Vamsam)
IF you are one of the lot, who calls everything cute from a movie to an ant.
IF you are searching for a movie to go with your gf/bf and wanna make sure you don’t get involved with the movie even for a second!
IF all friends in your gang say the movie is great and you can’t disagree with them!

The director never told us what the ‘Daddy’ Surya did to make a living. All he did was to smoke, drink and read a book right through the movie!

Midnights Children
Imagine you need to buy a book. You walk into a library with stacks full of MC and find that it sells only Midnights Children and nothing else. If you are not so stubborn to buy a book, happily walk out of the library. The greatest literary work all right, but not a fascinating read. I finally stopped at page 299 after having extended my wits end several times.

Not a Penny More Not a penny less – An international fraud deceives four different people. The affected quadruple group decide to play the villains own game and get back their money ( till the last penny) from the fraud by deceit.

Honor Among Thieves Saddam Hussein steals the Declaration of Independence of USA by a cleverly devised plan in order to bring disgrace to USA and the CIA attempts to save the country’s pride. Jeffrey Archer is not a great literary writer but definitely one of the finest storytellers of all time. Both these books are page turners, with a great plot and narration.