Indian Superhero, where art thou?

When Dhoni hit an off-side six in the WC final, we were reassured of a seamless (note the wordplay:D) Indian victory. Mitchell, Malinga, Anderson and Steyn are all terrific bowlers in every other part of the cricketing world. But not the sub-continent. The fiery pace, frightening run-up, magical swing and breakneck bounce are reduced to ordinary predictable deliveries. The fearsome bowlers just can't adapt to the conditions in India.

Another group, far distanced from cricket, which suffers the same fate as the fast bowlers is the Superheroes regiment. No matter how many lives they save comfortably in the US, the idea of superheroes in India is just not feasible and cool ( no, zoo zoos don't count:) ).. Here's why :)

Invisibility is an interesting prospect with many perverted advantages, but since we Indians crave for attention and popularity, our superhero cannot strike an invisible pose to all the shutterbugs (after all, we live in a country where Sreeshanth posed with the Worldcup trophy)! Neither will the people be interested in a newspaper article reading Invisible Man Saves our Town, with a blank space where the superhero's grinning face should’ve been. Imagine Chennai Times’ plight without pictures!

Any ordinary guy needs to be extremely careful and agile while crossing the roads as drivers in our country are rash and selectively blind to signals. To add to the misery, invisibility! One wrong step and our hero would be 'pulp' fiction.

Super strength… With a pumped up body of steel, handling delicate stuff might get difficult. True that super power attracts women but with such bestial powers, holding hands with any girl will only make her writhe in pain and a tight hug is enough to squash her from an amorous to an amorphous state!

Time Travel… Who will not love to go back in time and kill Raja Ram Mohan Roy, not for eradicating child marriage, but for illegalizing polygamy. Anyone who has read his 10th grade history book right will know about his social reforms. But digging deep, what the history books fail to tell us is the fact that Mr. Raja Ram Mohan Roy, “the greatest Indian social reformer” who abolished polygamy and child marriage, had three wives. It is like Sreeshanth asking Zaheer not to bowl loose deliveries! But with the increasing male to female ratio, he cannot be deemed as pure evil.

Mind Reading… For all the eavesdropping Toms, mind reading ability might be irresistible. For the cops, to understand the evil schemes of suspects and to understand the thought process of terrorists while interrogating. But imagine walking into T.Nagar with mind reading capability. Within seconds, our superhero's mind will be flooded with all the crabbing, complaining and cursing gibberish- from the out of bounds super hot next door woman to the hike in gasoline price!

Spidey! Jumping buildings with web slinging & sticky fingers and fighting the thugs in sewers is what this super power is all about. With open man-holes and littered roads/pavements to be taken care of, the Corporation won't like the idea of a supposed superhero leaving behind sticky spider webs all over the city. After clobbering the villain's henchmen and Arjun-movie's-terrorists, he can have trysts with his ladylove in dark alleys or in roads (street lights don't work anyway) but will the stench of the sewer and sweat that he is likely to carry not turn her off?

Outfit... Wearing figure-hugging outfits in the tropical region during summer is not a great idea unless soaking in sweat can be handled. And flashy costumes like what Superman or Flash wear will be sneered at in this country, no matter who you are. Remember, the curious case of a certain Mr.Ramarajan ? (who, I hear, has the superpower of humming 'Shenbagame' to obtain dairy products)

Also, the gadgets that superheroes possess require materials of the highest quality. To maintain their secret identities, those can be bought only at black markets like Burma Bazaar. And we all know how China products work :D

Here's a snapshot of how the Indian superhero will look like, adapted to the Indian conditions. Credits to MS Paint