Indian Superhero, where art thou?

When Dhoni hit an off-side six in the WC final, we were reassured of a seamless (note the wordplay:D) Indian victory. Mitchell, Malinga, Anderson and Steyn are all terrific bowlers in every other part of the cricketing world. But not the sub-continent. The fiery pace, frightening run-up, magical swing and breakneck bounce are reduced to ordinary predictable deliveries. The fearsome bowlers just can't adapt to the conditions in India.

Another group, far distanced from cricket, which suffers the same fate as the fast bowlers is the Superheroes regiment. No matter how many lives they save comfortably in the US, the idea of superheroes in India is just not feasible and cool ( no, zoo zoos don't count:) ).. Here's why :)

Invisibility is an interesting prospect with many perverted advantages, but since we Indians crave for attention and popularity, our superhero cannot strike an invisible pose to all the shutterbugs (after all, we live in a country where Sreeshanth posed with the Worldcup trophy)! Neither will the people be interested in a newspaper article reading Invisible Man Saves our Town, with a blank space where the superhero's grinning face should’ve been. Imagine Chennai Times’ plight without pictures!

Any ordinary guy needs to be extremely careful and agile while crossing the roads as drivers in our country are rash and selectively blind to signals. To add to the misery, invisibility! One wrong step and our hero would be 'pulp' fiction.

Super strength… With a pumped up body of steel, handling delicate stuff might get difficult. True that super power attracts women but with such bestial powers, holding hands with any girl will only make her writhe in pain and a tight hug is enough to squash her from an amorous to an amorphous state!

Time Travel… Who will not love to go back in time and kill Raja Ram Mohan Roy, not for eradicating child marriage, but for illegalizing polygamy. Anyone who has read his 10th grade history book right will know about his social reforms. But digging deep, what the history books fail to tell us is the fact that Mr. Raja Ram Mohan Roy, “the greatest Indian social reformer” who abolished polygamy and child marriage, had three wives. It is like Sreeshanth asking Zaheer not to bowl loose deliveries! But with the increasing male to female ratio, he cannot be deemed as pure evil.

Mind Reading… For all the eavesdropping Toms, mind reading ability might be irresistible. For the cops, to understand the evil schemes of suspects and to understand the thought process of terrorists while interrogating. But imagine walking into T.Nagar with mind reading capability. Within seconds, our superhero's mind will be flooded with all the crabbing, complaining and cursing gibberish- from the out of bounds super hot next door woman to the hike in gasoline price!

Spidey! Jumping buildings with web slinging & sticky fingers and fighting the thugs in sewers is what this super power is all about. With open man-holes and littered roads/pavements to be taken care of, the Corporation won't like the idea of a supposed superhero leaving behind sticky spider webs all over the city. After clobbering the villain's henchmen and Arjun-movie's-terrorists, he can have trysts with his ladylove in dark alleys or in roads (street lights don't work anyway) but will the stench of the sewer and sweat that he is likely to carry not turn her off?

Outfit... Wearing figure-hugging outfits in the tropical region during summer is not a great idea unless soaking in sweat can be handled. And flashy costumes like what Superman or Flash wear will be sneered at in this country, no matter who you are. Remember, the curious case of a certain Mr.Ramarajan ? (who, I hear, has the superpower of humming 'Shenbagame' to obtain dairy products)

Also, the gadgets that superheroes possess require materials of the highest quality. To maintain their secret identities, those can be bought only at black markets like Burma Bazaar. And we all know how China products work :D

Here's a snapshot of how the Indian superhero will look like, adapted to the Indian conditions. Credits to MS Paint

The Al Gore Theory of Madurai

With a sudden spate of rustic gory movies based on characters & incidents in Madurai hitting the screens more often than the American Pie series, there are a few misconceptions about Madurai that have to be refuted.

Though kollywood tinsel town may portray us as wearing gross dubai-la-poda-vendiyatha-inga-yen-podra clothes, we were pioneers in fashion. In fact, we introduced pattapattis which were later remodeled and circulated as boxers all over the world !

Motorcades of Tata Sumos, with ruffians brandishing their aruvaals and clinging on to the vehicles, is a myth. We have progressed to snipers for avoiding a need to travel a long distance in cars for slaying people. Hence, reducing fuel consumption and global warming. We've interpreted 'All Gore' from an entirely different perspective :D

We may lack a KFC eatery, but an average person laps up more chicken than Col. Sanders himself. And I personally know a guy responsible for the unusually high consumption rate.

Contrary to what the world will love to believe in, we don't carry aruvaals on us all the time. And media reports that we use aruvaals even for sharpening pencils. That is a ridiculous allegation. Beheading people, amputating limbs, sacrificing lambs - these are the holy motives behind our aruvaal usage. Not trivial matters like pencils and coconuts. Sheesh.

The societal set up in Madurai allows its people to develop and prosper in their respective fields. Bank clerks go on to become managers. Yettaiyas (constables) go on to become inspectors. Kabbadi players go on to win the tournament despite losing the semifinal. And goondahs rightfully go on to become Lok Sabha MPs :P

No, Vijay is not from Madurai. He might be associated with Madurai in Ghilli, Sivakasi and Madurai, but the truth : he is from Coimbatore. You dare not continue suggesting he is from Madurai.

Sadly though, Captain Vijaykanth is from Madurai :( but then, he was treated appropriately like shit here before he left to Chennai and made it big :P

We have a lot of youngistans amongst us. These hippies are called minors. They don't drink from pepsi mycans which are absurdly priced and awkwardly held; they don't need the axe effect to woo girls; they are not accustomed to the tiring process of dating. Instead, they tipple kalla liquor and with malliga poo wound around their wrists for deodorization, they are almost always on a promiscuous raping spree.

Who am I kidding! Unlike a big city, all friends are just 15 mins away. With temples, rivers, theme parks, go-karting, parotta eateries and multiplexes, it is easily the most peaceful city with negligible pollution and moving traffic. Which is why, taking cue from Kollywood, I proudly announce

" Naanum Madurakaaran da" :D

One for the Road :)

The much hyped carefree, lecture-free, exams-free, guitar wielding, class la dancing and mass bunking college life, which mom promised me before 12th board exams, is drawing to a close in a week's time. So here goes a list of what I've liked and hated in the 4 years which saw my mush germinate (when u look closer) and interest in studies terminate...

Lines in italics under each point shows what i hate about the same

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0. The ECE B Spamming gumbal.

FB chat doesn't work here :(

1. High speed Wi-Fi enabled campus

Ridiculous system administrator. However crude it may sound, CHarles Dickens is not bad!

2. Zatacka

"Thanks for asking"

3.Egg Biryani, canteen

Subsequent gabbu. Polo the hero

4. Ashok Nagar

The distance from home.

5. Sachin's resurrection, post 2007

Sharath's anti-sachin comments

6. Slapping people during night mode, Mafia game

Playing the Sappa Civilian role. Esp when handed a chit which bluntly reads 'Sappa'

7. Karthik, Shankar Mahadevan concerts

Hariharan's. The paciest song he could come up with was "Aathorathile Aala Maram" from Kaasi

8. Chaai Gang

Sumanth's "1 more km to go" bluff.

9. 1st year canteen drama orchestrated by Sharath & Viney.

"Changing my number" snub.

10. GRE

Concepts and M.S

11. Pah!

Hearing it the 114th time on the same day!

12. Sowcarpet :D

The 2 hour detour to Moore market with Motta.

13. Thomsam. FIFA. Sakthi

When at the receiving end :|

14. PEH

Only during weekends :(

15. Rani - Superstar Jalra

Nanbaaaaaa's standard 'thoooooooooo' comments for the jalra

16. Shweta's home-made cakes

Guinea pigged me for the first attempt.

17. Ford Fiesta

21 H.

18. Suraj's Maid water bottle

Drumming in sync with Suraj during interval breaks.

18. SMS commentary during IPL and every Sachin's innings.

Sowmya, the traitor, supported CSK in 2010 IPL final though she pledged her loyalty to Mumbai Indians.

19. Semester practicals

Plotting graphs and writing records.

20. Yamanuri's own language!

Sumanth's top score in FB word builder game & having to play truck rush over and over again to be on top.

21. Star Wars - Lord of the Rings fight

PK's funny attempt to bring Harry Potter into the fray. :P

22. Brainy project mates -> only editing work assigned to me

Playing Battle Painters alone when every soul around me is busy with project work.

23. Sai's first year mimicry comedy-keemady

Iron Shakthi joke :'(

24. Sleepovers at Sharath's place

Amma thaaye ( still in denial ! )

25. Besi beach for treats and retreats

Not having gone to Mahabs even once!

26. Editorial board

Coaxing people to contribute

27. Late to class, day after day. Year after year.

%attendance over the years : 85, 80, 75 and currently a little around dravid's Test strike rate

28. Egg puffs & Lassi @ stores

Chaat @ canteen

29. Lawn ;)

Professors passing by

30. Tickling PK and watching him go berserk

When done back to me

31. PS3 @ Blur

Lightened wallet

32. Abusing the Australian cricket team during Ashes

Viney's loyal support towards the Australian cricket team

33. Chicken at KFC, Wangs & Tasty Jones

Sandy's and Domino's

34. CAT

IIM - K

35. First ODI in a stadium. INDvNZ 2011

It ended faster than a 20-20 game!

36. Endhiran first day first show at the expense of first review

Car parking charge at EA

37. Saarang

Hindi video that I had to report on

38. Maiden short film. Three robbers and a funeral

The twist goes unnoticed

39. Nithin's snooker show

No more foosball at Grounded:(

40. B'day surpises

Good cakes wasted by smearing

41. Waking up at 8

Missed eventful bus journeys

42. Sakthi's room

Ranga's entry !!!

43. Singapore IEEE 'conference'

Water sports fiasco

44. EDC 50 biz associates (Suraj, Shwe & Viney)

Lost tupperware and Apple earphones. Net profit= -800!

45. Mayajaal

Stinky seats and overpriced Pepsi

46. Fooling Pavithra while playing cards

Having her in my team and she turns me in!

47. Right from first year, had Nanbaaa's company for lunch @ canteen.

Watching canteen food quality decline over the years :|

48. Everyone knows WHO

EVERYONE knows who

49. Sole school mate in college. Krishna.

Can't go around claiming I was the SPL, rowdy, casanova in school

50. Varuvaayngala?

Varela?

All good things come to an end.

9 pins of the 90's

Imagine F.R.I.E.N.D.S without the ugly naked guy. Or a Shankar's movie devoid of a hundred colorfully painted man bellies for a 3 second segment. Or the Big Bang Theory without Howard's Mom screaming. Or a Vijaykanth movie lacking a scene where he bullies bullets. Each of the aforementioned examples are peanut parts of one complete entertainer. Take em off, the main plot doesn't lose its way. But these teeny-weeny parts, though insignificant, cannot be forgotten. On similar lines, Indian Cricket through the 90s, though dominated by Sachin-Dravid-Sportstar-Dada-Kumble-Dalmiya, had its own share of ugly naked guys ( pardon the crude metaphor). And this post is about them.

Note: Vijaykanth illustration doesn't really fit in here. Those scenes are in fact the crowd pullers for reasons the director would never have expected. But who doesn't love taking a dig at our Captain? :D

It is the 90's.

Dhoni is still a kid, with rising milk theft reported in his area; cricket watchers are safe from Arun lal's nonsense; Tony Greig dons the role of cricket God's prophet; Mandira Bedi knows no cricket and wisely stays away from it; and the rest of the cricket fraternity?

Mark Waugh : "Funny that team India opens their bowling with that spinner bloke who has an extended run-up and doesn't really spin the ball well ". Venkatesh Prasad : :-@

Lakshman Sivaramakrishnan (on his premature retirement ouster) : "My childhood dream was to torment the cricket world. I tried doing it with my tight off-spin and it din't work. But someday, I'll be back to realize my dream. I swear."

True to his word, he is now an annoying commentator :-(

Manjrekar : "So what if my batting makes people groan and yawn? At least they can catch some sleep when India's matches are telecasted live late in the night. Sachin has absolutely no concern for the peace of the nation."

Harvinder Singh : "I would be better off competing in high jump competitions."

Deepdas Gupta : "****g*** *ib** ***b** ***er*i* ** * **s**h" (U really care what he was upto?)

Vijay Bharathwaj : "What am I doing here?"

Sadagopan Ramesh's school coach: "Ramesh! Move dammit. Move your legs during the drill. You stubborn little monster. You are gonna end up in cinema, not cricket."

Azar : "Ganguly, move to the point position and dive to stop singles."

Jadeja : "Azar, 50-50."

Salman Butt (8 year old) : "Daddy, I wanna emulate Azar."

Match Fixers : "Attention, dealers! Sachin goes. Betting begins."

The Dumb Desi Democrat!

My eyes widened as I stumbled across a very interesting ridicule-inviting article in TOI. Like Obelix pouncing on a wild boar, the parodist in me is all set to pounce on the person (who btw looks like a distant cousin of the wild boar!) highlighted in the article…

Rahul Gandhi, in his quest to strengthen the Congress at its grass root level, met a top actor in Tamil Nadu in a secret fashion. Secret enough that even 19 year olds who can’t expand UPA (United Party hmmm errr hmmm?) are taking blind potshots at the cloak and dagger meeting… Here goes another!

Though this was initially modeled on a common Sardarji, the goat of all national jokes, I felt I should move with the changing times and hence, the nxg laughing stock - the Indian Politician - Suresh Kammanaati, who is an opposition party member, and is trying to score as much brownie points as he can through this interview as the elections are around the corner…

Reporter– Sir, the Commonwealth games to be held in New Delhi is just a year away. And the very sluggish construction has resulted in the stadiums being only 25% constructed. Shouldn’t we have the stadiums ready by now?

SK - Immediately on seeing the schedule, I knew we would be in deep waters later on. I even
requested the Sports ministry to instead conduct games like chess, carom, pallanguli, Ko-ko, Mangaatha and kabbadi, which won’t require new stadiums! But the ruling party protested saying the athletes from other countries are not accustomed to such games. Whose side is the ruling party on? They care more about the foreign players who will be competing against our own countrymen! I sense a treachery here!

Reporter - Sir, the proposed Games Village is rumored to have inadequate restroom facilities, due to budget deficit. Is it true?

SK - Yes, it is true. Why do we think we named it as Games 'Village' ? Just like the old villages of the early 20th century, the athletes should attend to their nature's call out in the open only.

Reporter– Ugh! Whatever. Moving on. Despite having a population of over a billion, we are unable to produce world class athletes. What is your take on that?

SK – Do not blame my countrymen. They have been trained with games such as ko-ko, gilli danda, jallikattu and Kabbadi right from their child hood.

Reporter – (Interrupts by clearing his throat) – But sir, we should…

SK (Ignoring the reporter) - But the world, unnerved by our supremacy in these games, doesn’t include them in Olympics and other world championships. So, if the people of this state vote for my party and lead us to victory in the upcoming elections, I PROMISE I would take these desi games to the Olympics and make sure our participants return with not just their reimbursement bills but with a few medals!

Reporter- (Muttering swear words under his breath and masking it with a smile) – What does it take for India to win next year’s Commonwealth Championship?

SK – India shouldn’t invite Australia and England to next year’s championship. Possibly scare them off with swine flu threat or special screening of blue (even movie reviews were incomplete as movie reviewers left on their flight to India or we’ll bring ‘non-Whites’ movement back into the fore !

Reporter – Thank you for spending time with us. (Relieved, gets up and is about to leave).

SK – Hey wait, I need a few publicity stills, take a picture!

Reporter- Of course, how would I forget that? (Takes out his cam as Kammanaati strikes a pose)

SK – Wait. Does my blue shirt go well with the red tie?

Reporter – Doesn’t matter, sir. We will be publishing only a black and white picture 

SK – So?